নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি

নিদ্রায় কাতর চোখ আমার
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি।
তোমার স্বপ্ন –
আমার বালিশের নিচে লুকিয়ে রাখে রাতগুলো।
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি,
নিদ্রাহীন এই চোখে আমার
আজ তুমি নিশ্চিন্তে ঘুমিয়ে থাকো,
গভীর এই নিস্তব্ধ রাতগুলোতে
কেউ থাকে না
শুধু তুমি থাকো আমার পাশে,
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি
আর নিদ্রাহীন এই রাতগুলো
ফিসফিস করে শুধু তোমার গল্প শুনিয়ে যাই
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি
নিদ্রাহীন এই রাতগুলো আজ আমার।

// আমার ডায়েরীর পাতা থেকে

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Silence – never silent

Silence. Merely a state of missing sounds. Any kind of sound. But have you ever found yourself completely wrapped up by silence? Like now, before started typing these words on my computer, before I started punching these keys I felt an undisturbed silence around me but it wasn’t really so as I felt. I could listen to the music someone’s playing from a nearby apartment. The song playing out there familiar but I couldn’t recognize completely yet I hummed the music unknowingly I found myself. I still can hear the honks of vehicles from the highway closed to my dwelling.

It’s almost 2 A. M. and I am as usual awake like all the time when the whole world is seemingly asleep. [ah] No, someone was talking outside when passing by down the road right beside my building. That’s both good and bad thing about living a city life. You can never be alone entirely. Yet you feel lonely always if there is no one to listen to you what you have to say that doesn’t suit the everyday life conversations.

Let’s just forget about these usual common sounds those interrupt the peaceful yet annoying silence around. What about you if I ask? What about the thoughts screaming and chattering all the time inside your head? Do they really let you feel alone and feel the silence? Don’t you think they are loud enough to break the soundlessness around you?

Apart from all the vaguely coming noises from the outside, inside my head, I can still hear a voice constantly talking to me. A voice that once used to give me hope for a life, for a light now gone yet chatters inside my head constantly.

Then, comes this inner voice of mine that keeps knocking me to move on and get over all the depressing, heart-shattering feelings that locked me in a dungeon of a ruined dark palace.

I can listen to my mother’s voice inside my head often. Sometimes my sister and brother, their chattering too. And I do not know how to turn off all those sounds that keep playing inside my head nonstop. I think when we are very lonely, and we crave, we die to have company so that we can talk to, we are not utterly alone. Inside our head, there is always a voice, two or maybe countless voices stay awake and keep talking to us yet without knowing we seek physical presence or a visual contact so that we can rely upon.

An entry from my journal.

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

In a sleepless night like this

In a sleepless night like this,
when an eternal silence is my sole companion,
a sigh suddenly
echoes your name out loud
cracking the iciness of shattering moments.
Sometime —
the neverending night
ends,
and I stand behind the close-set bars
of my window,
with a numbness gathered from an unknown life sentence,
I witness a sunrise
with a dead —
imperturbable gaze,
while the morning breeze brings me
the scent of your memories
those are long gone,
perished in dusty pages of time
yet feels so freshly wounded,
blood stains — so deliciously colorful,
and
I inhale you
unhesitatingly.

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

I’m still there somehow

I’m still there somehow.
May be a part of me only
but I’m still there
at that distant place
in time
from now.
I want to leave
or may be I never wanted
I never left that place.
I have lived there once,
yet I live there now in some ways,
unknown to all,
a phase expanded in past
that connects my present
or if there’s a future.
I am there,
and I am here now.
I am in
and I am out of it now….

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

Cluster of Thoughts

You are my salvation
through limitless love
and unendurable pain…

 

In a split second distance
I breathe the same air you take in
and that is how I have you
inside me, for now and a lifetime…

 

Time heals the wound
slowly and painfully but it does
only leaving a scar behind
to tell a broken story…

 

No matter how much I try
I cannot reach you
so I am sending my soul out
of this mortal cage
to meet yours
through the air to your lungs
through dreams in your sleep
through tears crawling down your cheeks
through music to your heart
through death to your life…

 

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

Conversation

Towards my own shadow today I speak- 
No one to listen but to you I reveal my saddened heart
                          which once have exulted in rapture.

There were no hours that we may call them together spent
Hear me oh my sole companion, be still and numb
Remember two shadows walked along with each other
                                        – As forever they meant.

And whilst our fledgling love was about to grow
A shadow upon our shadows did hover– so cursed
Blacken’d the sky – devouring all senses – and time
                  – So far a decadence of ultimate sorrow.

Glowing sun deemed like an eclipse occurred upon the planet
and you lost your grace in grievance under such turmoil. 
The arousal of all my agonies and the distress upon
                      – The disappearance of my beloved.

Towards the end of days, obscene gathering of worsened thoughts-
Scandalous notion of my unassailable fragmental desires
And under the invading and dwindling crimson light
               I speak to you my shadow in silence so ominous.

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