Silence – never silent

Silence. Merely a state of missing sounds. Any kind of sound. But have you ever found yourself completely wrapped up by silence? Like now, before started typing these words on my computer, before I started punching these keys I felt an undisturbed silence around me but it wasn’t really so as I felt. I could listen to the music someone’s playing from a nearby apartment. The song playing out there familiar but I couldn’t recognize completely yet I hummed the music unknowingly I found myself. I still can hear the honks of vehicles from the highway closed to my dwelling.

It’s almost 2 A. M. and I am as usual awake like all the time when the whole world is seemingly asleep. [ah] No, someone was talking outside when passing by down the road right beside my building. That’s both good and bad thing about living a city life. You can never be alone entirely. Yet you feel lonely always if there is no one to listen to you what you have to say that doesn’t suit the everyday life conversations.

Let’s just forget about these usual common sounds those interrupt the peaceful yet annoying silence around. What about you if I ask? What about the thoughts screaming and chattering all the time inside your head? Do they really let you feel alone and feel the silence? Don’t you think they are loud enough to break the soundlessness around you?

Apart from all the vaguely coming noises from the outside, inside my head, I can still hear a voice constantly talking to me. A voice that once used to give me hope for a life, for a light now gone yet chatters inside my head constantly.

Then, comes this inner voice of mine that keeps knocking me to move on and get over all the depressing, heart-shattering feelings that locked me in a dungeon of a ruined dark palace.

I can listen to my mother’s voice inside my head often. Sometimes my sister and brother, their chattering too. And I do not know how to turn off all those sounds that keep playing inside my head nonstop. I think when we are very lonely, and we crave, we die to have company so that we can talk to, we are not utterly alone. Inside our head, there is always a voice, two or maybe countless voices stay awake and keep talking to us yet without knowing we seek physical presence or a visual contact so that we can rely upon.

An entry from my journal.

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Time, her and our tale

In all my wrongs and rights
I shall write our tales
words — breathe through time,
words that span centuries,
or — go beyond,
where — least in a vortex of matters
I shall find her.
Time — is all wrong
for us now —
once she told — with a sigh
that echoes through time,
swirling around me now,
and today I capture her,
and us — the tale of our time
that tore us apart.
I now write our time,
through time,
a history that lies before us
and after us.

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without you…

Day and night
it strikes me with anguish,
and I’m tormented by the thought
that I’m torn apart from you.
Then I close my eyes
and I see you,
walking towards me
wearing blue,
amidst crowd
where none but only you alive,
only you exist my love,
rest of the world – lifeless
Only your smile,
your eyes,
and I fall in love
with you again.
I live there
until I open my eyes
and the world drops dead
once again
without you in it.

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I’m still there somehow

I’m still there somehow.
May be a part of me only
but I’m still there
at that distant place
in time
from now.
I want to leave
or may be I never wanted
I never left that place.
I have lived there once,
yet I live there now in some ways,
unknown to all,
a phase expanded in past
that connects my present
or if there’s a future.
I am there,
and I am here now.
I am in
and I am out of it now….

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. . . and then one day

. . . and then one day
you will find a silence
wrapped me up,
hid me from your eyes
from light
beyond darkness
in a world
where your hand won’t reach me,
your thoughts won’t speak to me,
your love will fail to warm my heart,
and that day
in that very silence
you will find — years,
years without you
buried peacefully
in chaos
beneath an ocean of tears…

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নিজেকে – এই আমাকে তোমার করেছিলাম…

একটা দুনিয়া পেছনে ফেলে হাঁটা দিয়েছিলাম
এক অজানা পথে – অজানা এক গন্তব্যে,
কখনো কি ভেবেছিলাম যে আর একটা দুনিয়া
আমার অপেক্ষা করে আছে।
সেদিন দেখেছিলাম ওই মুখটা তোমার
অপলক চোখে তাকিয়ে থেকেছি
দেখেছিলাম জীবনের শেষ দিনগুলো আমার
তোমার সাথে
তোমার পাশে
তোমার হাতে হাত রেখে
দেখেছিলাম প্রত্যেকটা সকাল
আর রাত – শুরু আর শেষ তোমার সাথে।
সেদিন তোমার সামনে বসে
নিজেকে – এই আমাকে তোমার করেছিলাম।

Once I left the world behind
and all the lives behind
walked towards an unknown destination
I have never known before.
I didn’t have an inkling
of meeting another world
— a world that was you.
The day my eyes set upon your face
lost myself completely
I beheld my life —
rest of it beside you,
beside you,
with you,
hand in hand
our fingers entwined.
Dreamt –
every morning will start with your smile
and night end
— interlaced in your arms.
That day — sitting in front of you
I handed over my soul in your hand
made me yours — for eternity.

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Miles I walked…

Miles I walked holding her hand — known what happiness feels like,
I chatted all the way – days were not ours but nights seemed so bright;
Wiser I felt — sage she made me feel — when all those were said (I had to say),
Sudden she left me — unprotected — unwanted, without saying why but in decay.

Miles I walked holding her hand — unaware of what sorrow she could bring,
Heaven were her touches once — like poison now she crawls beneath my skin;
Oh! Through the journey I have learnt, her being was the sorrow that guided me,
She was the misery I walked with — towards my certain demise — my destiny.

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