নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি

নিদ্রায় কাতর চোখ আমার
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি।
তোমার স্বপ্ন –
আমার বালিশের নিচে লুকিয়ে রাখে রাতগুলো।
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি,
নিদ্রাহীন এই চোখে আমার
আজ তুমি নিশ্চিন্তে ঘুমিয়ে থাকো,
গভীর এই নিস্তব্ধ রাতগুলোতে
কেউ থাকে না
শুধু তুমি থাকো আমার পাশে,
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি
আর নিদ্রাহীন এই রাতগুলো
ফিসফিস করে শুধু তোমার গল্প শুনিয়ে যাই
নিদ্রাহীন এই আমি
নিদ্রাহীন এই রাতগুলো আজ আমার।

// আমার ডায়েরীর পাতা থেকে

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Silence – never silent

Silence. Merely a state of missing sounds. Any kind of sound. But have you ever found yourself completely wrapped up by silence? Like now, before started typing these words on my computer, before I started punching these keys I felt an undisturbed silence around me but it wasn’t really so as I felt. I could listen to the music someone’s playing from a nearby apartment. The song playing out there familiar but I couldn’t recognize completely yet I hummed the music unknowingly I found myself. I still can hear the honks of vehicles from the highway closed to my dwelling.

It’s almost 2 A. M. and I am as usual awake like all the time when the whole world is seemingly asleep. [ah] No, someone was talking outside when passing by down the road right beside my building. That’s both good and bad thing about living a city life. You can never be alone entirely. Yet you feel lonely always if there is no one to listen to you what you have to say that doesn’t suit the everyday life conversations.

Let’s just forget about these usual common sounds those interrupt the peaceful yet annoying silence around. What about you if I ask? What about the thoughts screaming and chattering all the time inside your head? Do they really let you feel alone and feel the silence? Don’t you think they are loud enough to break the soundlessness around you?

Apart from all the vaguely coming noises from the outside, inside my head, I can still hear a voice constantly talking to me. A voice that once used to give me hope for a life, for a light now gone yet chatters inside my head constantly.

Then, comes this inner voice of mine that keeps knocking me to move on and get over all the depressing, heart-shattering feelings that locked me in a dungeon of a ruined dark palace.

I can listen to my mother’s voice inside my head often. Sometimes my sister and brother, their chattering too. And I do not know how to turn off all those sounds that keep playing inside my head nonstop. I think when we are very lonely, and we crave, we die to have company so that we can talk to, we are not utterly alone. Inside our head, there is always a voice, two or maybe countless voices stay awake and keep talking to us yet without knowing we seek physical presence or a visual contact so that we can rely upon.

An entry from my journal.

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

Time, her and our tale

In all my wrongs and rights
I shall write our tales
words — breathe through time,
words that span centuries,
or — go beyond,
where — least in a vortex of matters
I shall find her.
Time — is all wrong
for us now —
once she told — with a sigh
that echoes through time,
swirling around me now,
and today I capture her,
and us — the tale of our time
that tore us apart.
I now write our time,
through time,
a history that lies before us
and after us.

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

Sleepless night

Sleepless night,
not one but thousands alike,
ticking clock hammering inside my head
and the heaviness of dull-miserable hours
wrapped up in a blanket of quietly passing moments.
Then I close my eyes,
and look at the sky,
numberless stars I start counting,
and when I open my eyes,
I find the fiery flames of my starry sky
burnt all my fingertips
and turned my heart into ashes…

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

In a sleepless night like this

In a sleepless night like this,
when an eternal silence is my sole companion,
a sigh suddenly
echoes your name out loud
cracking the iciness of shattering moments.
Sometime —
the neverending night
ends,
and I stand behind the close-set bars
of my window,
with a numbness gathered from an unknown life sentence,
I witness a sunrise
with a dead —
imperturbable gaze,
while the morning breeze brings me
the scent of your memories
those are long gone,
perished in dusty pages of time
yet feels so freshly wounded,
blood stains — so deliciously colorful,
and
I inhale you
unhesitatingly.

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

not enough

Like a withering second
               in a vast timeline
               you existed in my life,
a small portion that wasn’t enough,
             not enough to love you,
             not enough to melt in you,
not enough to paint my empty canvas
with the rainbow you were my love,
not enough to make you mine,
that was never enough
and it will never be.

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017

without you…

Day and night
it strikes me with anguish,
and I’m tormented by the thought
that I’m torn apart from you.
Then I close my eyes
softly,
slowly,
and I see you,
walking towards me
wearing blue,
amidst crowd
where none but only you alive,
only you exist my love,
rest of the world – lifeless
numb.
Only your smile,
your eyes,
gestures,
alive
and I fall in love
with you again.
I live there
until I open my eyes
and the world drops dead
once again
without you in it.

KaziMustakim_All Rights Reserved © 2017